It has been quite some time since I penned down my thoughts, and I thought that meant I had actually moved on. But now, as my fingers move on their own accord, I have to reach the blatant realization that I have not moved on. Not an inch. Not at all.
You have been on my mind a lot these past few days. Initially, I thought it was due to my reaching out on your birthday. Later, maybe it was due to the guy that promptly entered and soon exited my life. Or perhaps even, it was due to the dream I had, where you were no longer a part of my life. A dream, while quite close to the reality I was living, that haunted me the rest of the night, and a dream, that haunts me still.
The thing is… even after a year and one month, I still cannot picture my life without you in it. Special days such as birthdays just make it all the more glaringly obvious. There was nothing more I wanted than to be able to wish you, and keep wishing you as I celebrated your day with you. All the while joking about how old you were becoming. However, I had to resort to sending you a sadly impersonal email. Making sure it did not sound too desperate, too caring, too I’m still in love with you.
I didn’t even realize I was… still in love, I mean. I was so sure I had come to terms with what happened with us. Until the aforementioned guy, one that did not even come close to understanding the essence of who I was, told me he was falling for me. The only feeling I had in the gut of my stomach was dread. Not butterflies… not even a hint of being flattered. Just utter dread as I realized I did not want him to feel such things for me. As I realized I didn’t want anyone feeling such things for me… except you.
I have become quite accustomed to this feeling of dread that has taken to inhabiting my stomach often these past thirteen months. Each time it visits, I cannot help but think of how I will never like, let alone love, these men who claim to be taken back by me. And then I wonder if maybe something is fundamentally wrong with my ability to love, as I think back to how I could never love the men who came before you… just like I cannot love the ones who walk through my life now.
But then, I think of you. I think of how easy it was to love you. To fall in love with you. The easiest thing in my world. And when I fell, I fell without the fear that so often incapacitates me these days. I was not afraid because I knew I was falling in love with my best friend. It seemed like it was supposed to happen, as if it were in the hands of forces much greater than ourselves. I can still remember the first time I realized I loved you. I had blurted it out to you by accident before realizing I meant every word of it. In that moment, I gave you my heart carelessly because I trusted you to take better care of it than I ever could.
Most of the time, you did not disappoint. Though you did trip and stumble a bit, you made sure to make sure my heart was in pristine condition. Until it wasn’t. We both got careless along the way, and our hearts became the victims of our cold words, our broken promises, and our shattered trust in each other. We went out separate ways, hoping it would help us mend our fractured spirits to be even a shadow of what they once were. It worked for a while.
Until that blasted dream I had, where you were no longer a part of my world. It helped me realize things that you may have figured out before me. Though you have hurt me more than anyone else, you have also made me the person I am today. In my every action, in my every word, there is not a part that you haven’t helped inspire. You became my best friend 7 years ago, and my love 4 years ago. With all this chaos, I forgot to realize that under the love of my life still lies my best friend. The man who knows me better than anyone else. The man who made me the woman I am today. I used to think my world would be easier without you in it. But now I know that without you, it wouldn’t be my world. Without you, I wouldn’t be me.