Life And Other Noteworthy Things.

Lately, I’ve entered the phase of my life where I am starting to question everything – religion, the future, my beliefs, and on a broader scale, life. A friend of mine got me thinking about the latter, when he brought up the question of what the purpose of his (or anyone else’s) life could be. Are we all just meant to study, pursue higher education, find a job,  get married, have kids, work until you cannot any further, grow old, and die?

My question is… Is the idea of a life like that really so bad?

We live in a world where so many don’t live past their mother’s womb, where so many pass away much too early, and those of us who had the privilege of knowing them, always comment, “They were so young… had their whole lives ahead of them!” While the persistent use of this phrase might make those using it seem detached, and the saying might lose its meaning after a while – this doesn’t make the sentiment any less honest.

They did have their whole lives ahead of them. And indeed, so do we.

My life might consist of just school, work, marriage, kids, and death. To many, this might not be enough. Having dreams and aspirations is a wonderful thing, but a lot of people, in their paths to achieving these goals, often lose sight of what is really important – those you love, and more importantly, those who love you. At the end of the day, after we get done trying to save the world, all of us have a home which we find ourselves in. I know there is no other way I would want to end my day with than relaxing with my loved ones. While being successful is a nice feeling, it is the seemingly little things in life (like family and kids) which will give us the greatest pleasure.

As for the purpose of our lives, I think anyone’s purpose is to make the world around them a little bit better than it was when they entered. I don’t mean the entire world – not even Gandhi could achieve such a feat – but rather, your immediate world, the people and places you interact with on a daily basis. If you make even one person’s life a little bit better, for however long, I think your presence in this world has been completely justified.

I’m one of those people who gets neurotic about school. I will freak out after an exam, because I will convince myself I’ve completely bombed it. And the times when I get an A on tests, I’m ecstatic. This feeling of happiness lasts a day at most. But I still remember the time when a friend of mine told me my words made him feel better, or when someone told me my being there gave them the strength to move on from a tough period in their life. So on and so forth.

Tangible goals and achievements fill us with feelings of great pride and happiness, but at the end of it all, none of these mean anything if you don’t have someone to share it with. A promotion at work would make you happy, but the amount of happiness you feel due to this promotion can easily be measured. But try measuring the absolute bliss you feel when the guy or girl you’re in love with tells you they love you for the first time. Or the pride that fills your chest when your son or daughter takes their first step, or utters their first word. Try measuring the satisfaction you feel when you’re 80 and the guy or girl you fell in love with when you were 20 is still by your side.

People aren’t remembered for how many awards they got at work or the amount of money remaining in their bank accounts. They’re remembered for how they made others feel, for being a good son/daughter, a loving husband/wife, a caring father/mother, a great friend, etc. So if all my life consists of from now is work, marriage, and kids – I will be utterly thankful. Because so many don’t get a chance to experience any of those things.

In the end, people don’t love us because we’re special. Rather, we’re special because a few people love us so much, in spite of the way we are. As long as my life is spent with those few people, I think it will be a life worth living. And if I become successful in the meanwhile, that would just be an added bonus.

A Letter To The One I Lost

To the man I loved and lost,

I had a dream about you last night. One of the really good ones you never want to wake up from. You were cooking me breakfast – toast and eggs – while I refilled your coffee cup, dropping a kiss on your cheek. I kissed you like it was the most natural thing in the world, as if it were a second thought, like I would be kissing you for the rest of my life. And then, I woke up in a bed that felt emptier than usual, and the fact I couldn’t reach out to you made the dream just another bittersweet reminder of your blatant absence from my life.

I know we’re not talking right now, but I still think about you every minute of every day. It’s been five months, and you’re still the first person who comes to my mind every time anything worth mentioning occurs. Like the kiss, this is also reflexive, and similarly, it too serves as a painful reminder that the one person I want to share morbidly boring details of my life with is the one person I can’t talk to anymore.

I know I should just become a big girl already and move on. I’m an adult, and that’s what adults do, right? They move on. They don’t dwell over boys who they let slip away and write blog posts about them.

But you’re not just a boy who slipped away. You’re the man I fell in love with. The first man who made me feel safe and secure. With you, I felt as if though nothing wrong could ever happen to me… as long as you were by my side. In you, I saw everything I was not. You truly were my better half, and in being so, you made me want to become a better human being. One worthy of your love. I was the immature one, you were mature. I was irrational, you thought things out – for the both of us. I was reckless, you were careful. I was emotional, you were rational. I was open, you were reserved. Like two pieces of a puzzle, the imperfections that made up you and me fit perfectly together. But we weren’t perfect, were we?

We had a lot more than our fair share of problems. And I know I let it get to us. I’m also sorry I did not have the strength in me to completely forgive you when you tried to reconcile things a few weeks back. I am still too childish and selfish to see things from more than just my perspective, but you should know this better than anyone. I just wanted to move on from all of this so desperately that I said things I knew would hurt you.

I have been trying to move on for the past five months. I’ve meticulously tried to fill every hole your absence has left in my life with new hobbies, old acquaintances, and more junk food than I would ever admit. Despite all of my best efforts to bring in new changes that will leave you a distant memory, I’m left with a gaping hole that highly resembles you. I keep hoping that with enough time, both of us will finally stop stalling and decide we want each other for good this time.

I want you to know that I have. Made up my mind, that is. You’re the only man for me. You’ve always been the one for me. You will be the one next to me on our wedding day, the one holding my hand as we tuck our kids into bed, the one who I’m smiling at in all of our family albums. Because no matter what we go through, we will always find our way back to each other. We say the nastiest things to each other because deep down, we know that we will find it in ourselves to forgive. No matter how many girls you flirt with or how many guys I talk to, at the end of the day, it will always be you I love and hold close to my heart. And I am arrogant enough to think the same is true for you. Because I know, like you do, that no matter how many times we tell each other we’re done, we will always keep coming back for more.

Love always,
Me.

Soulmates Don’t Exist.

Or rather, the notion we have of what a soulmate is does not exist. So many girls I know believe that there is this one guy out there for them, and when they meet him, everything will seemingly fall into place. I’d like to have whatever kind of magic this dude has… a spell to end all problems, apparently.

The idea of there being only one person out there for each person is exhausting and kind of scary. You just might start wondering if every guy you meet could be your soulmate, your one; and worse yet, what if you’ve already met them? What if you’ve already met them and have let them slip through your fingers? Are you now destined to be alone for the rest of your life? Become a cat lady, if you will.

No.. that won’t really work for me. I believe there are many people out there that I will be very happy with. There are many I could click with instantly, spend hours talking to, make love to all hours of the night, and fall madly in love with. I will probably be convinced that each of those persons is my soul mate. And they probably are, for the amount of time I am with them. But as life goes forward, and we move on, each of us will come across another individual we are sure is our soulmate. And they very well may be.

In the end, my soulmate will be that person I willingly choose to spend of my life with. That person I will make up with time and time again because being wrong in a fight is worth having them around for another day. He might not be an epic love, the one stories are written about. But he will be the most meaningful and the closest to my heart, because no matter what life threw at us, we made a conscious decision to stick with each other. And that is worth more than any epic, romantic idea of a soulmate.

Love you forever!… forever is now over.

I’m one of those people who has an opinion on nearly everything, no matter how unwelcome or bizarre. So I was shocked today, when this movie shook my notion of love. And so I sat there, thinking… and thinking… and thinking some more. It introduced to me this notion that there is no such thing as a love that lasts a lifetime, in which both people are just as happy as they were at the beginning of their journey together. Is love only great for a certain, short period of time? Does it fade away over time, or eventually become so suffocating that the only way to be free is to end the relationship?

As much as we want love to be an affair between two hearts, our brains are often involved a substantially greater amount than we’d like. Ultimately, it is two different brains that get together. Two different brains. Two different ways of thinking. Two different interests. Two different values. Two different… two different people. A lot of times, ‘two different’ turns into ‘too different’.

In the beginning, the differences are welcomed. We write off things we find different in the other person as just another one of their ‘endearing quirks’. Then once a few months pass, our expectations grow while the differences we once found endearing become more apparent. Eventually, one person subtly tries to change things in the other to better fit their expected mold. That’s when friction emerges because as human beings, we often overestimate our ability to change others. One party feels frustrated while the other feels constricted, as if their wings have been chopped off, and with the wings, a large part of their freedom.

So is it any wonder people question the love they feel for the person who wants them to change? After all, do we not want to be loved for who we are rather than the idea of us that’s instilled in the minds of others? Or the person someone else wants us to be? I know I have been on both sides of the equation, and it feels just as horrible on either side. Love takes a big hit, and it does eventually start to fade away until you’re left saying “I love you”s that feel as empty as your wallet after Christmas. You’ll also have a million and one reasons to end the relationship, to have a clean break and start the process all over again, with someone new.

But do we eventually want to be left with just a bunch of reasons? Or do we want to end up with a great love, a love as vast as the open sea?

I, for one, would choose the latter option any day. When every bone in your body is telling you to run… to fly away… to bolt, choose that one reason to stay.

That one reason being: love.

Anyone in the world can walk away when things get tough; it takes a person who is completely committed to stay. So when the person you’re with gives you every reason to stop loving them, love them a little more. When they mess up, you have every right to be furious with them. You might also feel like you don’t love them as much, but love them anyway, even if they don’t deserve it. That’s when they need it the most. Love them even when they might not love themselves. It’s called ‘unconditional love’ for a reason. When you truly love someone, you love them in spite of their shortcomings, regardless of their past, despite their mistakes, and for everything they are and will be. So no, I don’t believe love is only good for a short period of time. It might be, with some people. But when you find that one person, every reason in the world won’t be enough for you to leave their side. And just when you thought you couldn’t love them more, you fall a little further.

Impossible Complication

It is said that we often fall for our best friend, that one person who was there with us through every up and down we have encountered in the roller coaster called life. In this person, we see characteristics we admire, respect, and apparently, grow to love. After all, who wouldn’t want someone who’s always been there for them? Someone who gave you their shoulder to cry on, someone who held you together when you were about to fall apart, someone who has been that one constant in your life. It was always supposed to be you and him (or her) taking on the rest of the world.

Then those bloody feelings start to emerge. You start over-analyzing every word he utters, start going green every time he talks to another girl, start wanting more, etcetera.

People will tell you to pursue it. Do you want to be left wondering a few years down the line, ‘what if…?’ You have nothing to lose by trying. He’s sure to like you back, and the both of you will ride off into the sunset and have 2 and a half kids and live happily ever after together.

Fuck that.

Sure, that might happen. But it usually does not. You’ll feel good telling him how you feel, and you’ll even tell yourself it’s okay he doesn’t like you back. You got it off your chest, and that’s all that matters. Then a week or two passes, and that feeling will be replaced with one of awkwardness and the twinge of regret over how things have changed between the two of you, even if only on the most minuscule scale.

Or, lets say he understands your feelings. Returns them even. You guys get together, and everything seems to be perfect. You have a few great months or years. But keep in mind that every relationship in your life is not going to work out except for one. The one with him will more than likely not be that one. So then you’ll find yourself telling him how it’s not working out, but you still want to be friends because of everything you both have been through.

Yeah, that’s not going to happen. Sure, friendship can turn into love. But turning love back into friendship? That’s like trying to slam a revolving door. Impossible.

Now, do you really want to take a chance that could end one of the best relationships (platonic, mind you) you have? It took you so long to find someone who understands you as well as he does. Why throw it all away for a few feelings that might not be around for as long as you would like to believe? Because like it or not, we human beings are among the most fickle of creatures. We will find many people throughout our short lives we fall head over heels over. We pursue some, decide to get over the others. Your best friend should definitely fall into the latter category, because it’s not a fun feeling knowing you’re the reason you and him are no longer speaking. Either way, telling him or not, you’ll end up with a bit of regret weighing down on your soul. But by not telling him, at least you’ll still have him by your side. And that’s the way it should be.

Take Your Hand Off ‘Pause’ And Hit ‘Play’, Already.

“Don’t wait for the right person to come into your life. Rather, be the right person to come to someone’s life.”

These two sentences spoke volumes to me. I hope they do the same for you…

…If not,

Quit sitting around, expecting the right man or woman to come into your life and make it all better. No one in this world has that power but you. So go out, do the things you have always wanted to do. Spend time with the people you love most. Watch that movie you’ve been waiting to get around to… Take those french language classes you never had the time for before. Do something that absolutely scares the living daylights out of you. Try out a new restaurant. Take up a new hobby. Do whatever YOU want to do, because only then will YOU be a better person. Only then will YOU be a happier version of yourself.

The time you have now is so valuable. When else will you be able to do anything you want without having to think of your significant other? So this time alone… don’t be saddened by it, and never take it for granted. For all you know, tomorrow could be the day you meet the person you’re meant to spend the rest of your life with. Until then, take some time out for yourself. You deserve it.

So try something new. Take a chance… hell, take a risk. Just enjoy every bloody second of it. Live life. No regrets.

And when the right person does come along, they will appreciate you all the more for it.

Love

What is our ghastly obsession with love? The one emotion that sparks every sense in our body, the one emotion that turns the greatest stoic into an incorrigible mess, the one emotion that inspires the greatest stories, songs, and movies of our time. It’s as if though we get so enamored by the saying “It’s better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all”, we are willing to go to any extent to feel this fantasized love, if only for a little while.

But honestly, is love all that it’s hyped up to be?

I can honestly say I have loved, and also that I have lost. I put everything I had into making my relationship work, and then some. In the end, none of it mattered. All the memories I have, the ones I treasured so deeply, are all now just glimpses of what I lost, mocking the persistence at which I chased after love. Everything that reminds me of him is just another miserable memory of the past I want to so desperately forget.

People say love teaches you about yourself, others, and life in general. Love has taught me to not be so completely vulnerable to another person, to not let down my defenses so much that it’s later used against me, and to never let a person in to the extent I am not able to let go. It has taught me to not be so naive, to not wear my heart on my sleeve, and to never trust a person so blindly I am left questioning everything once it’s over.

Though I am so pessimistic about love, I look at my parents or those old couples who are 90, still together and very much in love, and my faith is renewed a little bit each time. It’s nice to believe that there is someone for me out there; someone I will still be with when I’m 90. Not because it was easy, but because even though it posed some of the hardest obstacles, it was something we both believed was completely worth it. So even though I have loved and lost (and probably will a few more times), I refuse to give up hope that love is completely worth all the pain and anguish we endure because of it. Like the majority of the people in this world, I will keep fighting to experience love one more time… and if I am forced to lose hope, at least I will know I did it kicking and screaming, wishing for one last shot.